


He's Just Not

by Cat_Moon



Category: Moonlight (TV)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-27 01:06:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19780087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Moon/pseuds/Cat_Moon
Summary: Coraline finds herself featured on an episode of the Greg Behrendt show, and sees her relationship with Mick in a different perspective.





	He's Just Not

**Author's Note:**

> Back in 2008 when this story was written, there was a successful book and TV show focused on helping women to figure out whether the guy they were interest in/involved with was *really* into them or not. I figured Coraline could use that advice.

“Hi, and welcome back to the Greg Behrendt show. If you’re just tuning into us now, our show today is called ‘Reality Checks.’ Our next victim—uh, guest is Coraline Duvall “ Greg walks over to a pretty brunette sitting in the front row.

Coraline looks around, eyes wide, at the sound of her name.

“Coraline?” Greg stands in front of her.

“Me?”

Greg nods toward the woman sitting next to her. “Your BFF Cynthia wrote us about you. She said you need some advice regarding your ex.”

“She did?” she asks, giving Cyn a murderous glare which Cynthia ignores. “Why would I need to be on your show? Mick and I have no problems whatsoever.”

Cynthia rolls her eyes.

“Didn’t he reject you first on your _wedding_ night, after you gave him the gift of forever that he said he wanted with you?”

The audience boos Mick.

“Well, he just didn’t understand, is all. He needed time to get used to the idea. And he’s not my ex – we’re still married.”

“That’s not what I heard, babe. In fact, isn’t it true that he considers you divorced – ever since he set fire to the cabin you were in and left you for dead?”

The audience gasps in surprise.

“It was just a small tiff; we both got over it decades ago. Every relationship has its fights. ”

“Sounds like denial to me.”

“Me too, Greg,” Cynthia chimes in. Coraline slugs her in the jaw. Cynthia realigns her broken bone to speed the healing and glares at her BFF.

“And what happened when you found it in your heart to forgive him and give him another chance? You found out he was in love with another woman, didn’t you? A blond he’s loved since she was four, I believe?”

Audience hisses in disgust.

“Just an infatuation!” Coraline scoffs. “He could never have with her what he has with me. Trust me, Mick is mine. He always comes back to me.”

“You say that like it’s a good thing. What happened when his new girl found you coming down from his shower wearing nothing but his shirt? Didn’t she stab you in a jealous rage?”

“That was an accident,” Coraline defends. “A misunderstanding. She didn’t think she’d hurt me.”

“Um hum,” Greg mutters. “Did she apologize for the accident?”

“She didn’t stab me again,” Coraline says in an uncertain voice. “I really do think she’s starting to like me.”

Greg gets in her face, his voice demanding she get the truth. “And when you were laying on his stairs in a pool of your own blood, isn’t it true Mick showed almost no concern for your welfare, and was in fact only concerned about the information you had that he wanted? When you were dying in the hospital and asking for him – did he really show any worry for you at all? Or was the only thing he cared about that you didn’t die without giving up your secret?”

The audience goes wild, booing and hissing in outrage.

“He…” Coraline falters. “He just wants it so bad. That’s why I gave it to him, so we could both be together the way he wants.”

“So even after he did all of this to you, you returned to him and gave him another gift – the cure this time. You wanted him to leave town with you, so the two of you could start over together. Did he?”

Coraline was silent.

“Uh, that would be a no, Greg,” Cynthia put in, holding her hands up to protect herself.

“Was he worried about what happened to you after your vengeful brother dragged you off?”

“He tried to fight Lance, to protect me…”

“Did he try to find you afterward? Help you? You’ve given him everything you thought he wanted you to. Put your life on hold for him, tried for fifty years to make the relationship work. And how does he repay you? He only wanted the cure so that he could be with another woman! And you know what? He gave up the cure you risked your life to give him, had his BFF turn him again -- to save her.”

Coraline’s face registers shock and dawning anger.

“In fact, I have it on good authority that they’re shacked up together, as we speak.”

Stagehand brings Greg a telephone.

“Let’s see what Mick has to say for himself, shall we?” He dials a number, waits, and then audience can hear a sleepy sounding female voice pick up. “St. John’s FOS?”

“Hey, this is Greg from the Greg Behrendt show. I’d like to speak to Mick please.”

“Uh, hold, uh, hold on…”

There is rustling, whispering, groaning and heavy breathing coming from the phone before a man voice finally answers, his voice sounding rough as if from screaming...or something.

“This is Mick St. John...”

“Hi Mick. This is Greg Behrendt, I’m here with your wife Coraline, and we’d like to talk to you about the relationship.”

“…Coraline who?”

Audience yells unrepeatable words about Mick’s character, drowning out Greg’s reply and Coraline’s shriek of outrage.

“Oh, uh…”

“I think we have what we need, thanks Mick.” Greg hangs up phone. “So there you have it. He decided to embrace your gift after all – he just has no intentions of sharing it with you.”

Coraline dabs at her eyes with a handkerchief, as Cynthia pats her on the back.

Greg hunkers down in front of her chair. “Coraline, babe, listen to me. Hear me. He’s just not that into you.”

Audience cheers upon hearing the trademark phrase they’ve been waiting for.

“You’re a gorgeous, intelligent, classy, sexy woman. Any man would be honored to have you. They’re lining up around the block as we speak. You deserve so much better than that jerk, believe it. Believe in yourself. You don’t need a man to make you complete.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell her for years,” Cynthia says, her own eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Or women either, for that matter…” she adds quietly, with a loving caress to the side of Coraline’s face.

“Well, that’s a topic for another show,” Greg puts in hastily. “The important thing is, you reclaim your worth, and face the facts so you can move on with your life. What do you say?”

“I… I never quite looked at it that way before…” Coraline admits.

“You’ve been blinded by love – one sided love, for a long time. But you don’t have to stay that way. You can open your eyes, and start living your life for you, for Coraline.”

“Maybe…” she trails off, face thoughtful.

“Do it for _you_. Because you’re worth it. See what’s so obvious to the rest of us. It might be painful, but I promise you it will be liberating. Look at how he’s treated you. You’ll know what we know. Audience, what do we want to tell Coraline?”

“HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!”

The end

5/24/08

**Author's Note:**

> FOS = the Fortress of Style, as we used to refer to Mick's apartment.


End file.
